Answer:
The changes you should make are grammar, make sure everything is capitalized, the way you right it makes sure it makes sense, and make sure to have catch their eyes. You want to make sure the grammar is good or else it will not sound very good. If you capitalized all the begins of a sentence, they will know it is a new sentence and they can see the paired. If it makes sense it would be read very easily because if it did not make sense they would have to go back and see what you tried to say. The last thing is you need to make sure you have a sentence that would be interesting to the reader so they keep on reading.
