Respuesta :
In paragraph one, the first two sentences are great! Just put a semi colon before she. In the third sentence where you put a period to start the fourth sentence, just eliminate that. It’s not necessary. Instead, combine both sentences because a period would make the idea less clear.
Ex: “... Mildred is and she even states in the story:”
In the fifth sentence of the first paragraph eliminate the period after the parenthesis (Bradbury) When you cite something and insert a parenthesis the parenthesis does the same job as a period would do. Even though it does not count as a new sentence it’s sometimes necessary to capitalize the words after the parenthesis so your work can seem more professional.
In the sixth sentence I would suggest being a bit more descriptive. Use words like “Mildred has a sinister nature by being unethical and careless with...” The seventh sentence I find it a bit unclear. Also, in my opinion you should put “Not only is Mildred...”
On the 8th sentence use a transition word to put the sentences more in order. I would suggest using “then” to make the writing more clear and connected. In sentence 9 eliminate the comma before and; like so your writing will be more readable.
On the second paragraph the first two sentences are perfect! They don’t need any changes. The third sentence though has thoughts that are a bit unclear, “Assuming that tv has government propaganda...” that’s good “people are practically brainwashed” the idea here has become a bit wavy. You should put instead “...government has the power to keep them brainwashed” doing it like this would make more sense. But, it really depends on what you want to convey in your writing. Now, “to keep them occupied so no one asks questions, so everyone is the same” you could make this into another sentence and say: “This keeps them occupied...” The fourth sentence is spot on! And the fifth sentence is pretty good but I’d consider you add more active descriptions.
