Question

I just need someone to tell me if I am on the right road for this essay. I already have my thesis statement which this is it!!! I guess I should say I chose to write on how Manners are declining and why I think they are!!!

“Manners have declined due to music lyrics these days, a lot of television shows, and also because of the way parents are scared to punish their children for the things that they have done wrong."

Now I just had to do a introduction for the essay and this is what I wrote for it. I had to make it exciting to draw my crowd in This is what I wrote.

Warning Bad Manners Ahead: We will be talking about why we feel that manners are declining in out society today. There is so many things in this world today that is going wrong with our children and even our grown ups are being the same way. I hope to be able to spread some light on the reasons I feel that manners are declining in our society today. There are a lot of different causes for the decline. They are declining due to music lyrics these days, there are even television shows that cause the action of some people, and I think the biggest of all is parents are to scared to punish their children for what they do wrong.



Can someone please please please let me know if I am on the right track?

Answer 1

• Firstly, this essay requires a formal writing voice, and, for this, the use of first person pronouns (I, you, he, she. us, my, etc) is not recommended. For instance, in "We will be talking about why we feel that manners are declining in our society today" sounds informal. Instead, it could be written "This essay addresses the reasons why manners are declining in today's society".

• Moreover, phrases such as "I hope to be" or "I feel" make the essay sound informal as well, so avoid it.

• Secondly, considering the attention grabber used for the introduction is "Warning Bad Manners Ahead", which is not much related to what is said next, an anecdote or some real fact can be used instead. For instance: "Sarah is very concerned about her friend, who is always chewing gum with her mouth open in front of everyone, even when she had to do an oral exam! What could Sarah do to help her friend improve on her manners? The purpose of this essay is not only to find out why Sarah's friend chews gum with her mouth open, but also, why manners are declining in today's society..."

• Thirdly, pay attention to grammar! There are some mistakes such as redundance: the word today appears 3 times in the same paragraph. Therefore, synonyms of today can be used instead (nowadays, contemporary world, present).

• Finally, if the previous points are corrected, this introduction will be on the right track.