Exercise 4 - Integrate Quotations
Notice the differences between these two examples. Then, answer the questions.
First Draft
The characters' relationship moves the story along and gives the audience something to look forward to. Eric and Mar's relationship grows slowly, and the reader is allowed to see it develop step by step. "Several customers came in and Eric left.
When she found him waiting outside, she looked surprised but let him walk alongside her. In flat shoes, their steps matched, and he wondered if she'd noticed, but she was rummaging through a pink shiny handbag, big enough for a weekend trip" (Miles 6). In this passage, we can see that Mar has lets her guard down and is finally letting Eric into her life outside of Cobwebs.
Their relationship has progressed from Mar being surprised by Eric's face to Mar relaxing so much so that their footsteps are in sync.
Revision
The characters' relationship moves the story along and gives the audience something to look forward to. Eric and Mar's relationship grows slowly, and the reader is allowed to see it develop step by step. At one point, Eric accidentally discovers where Mar works and talks with her. However, Mar soon becomes too busy as "Several customers came in and Eric left.
When she found him waiting outside, she looked surprised but let him walk alongside her. In flat shoes, their steps matched, and he wondered if she'd noticed, but she was rummaging through a pink shiny handbag, big enough for a weekend trip" (Miles 6). In this passage, we can see that Mar has let her guard down and is finally letting Eric into her life outside of just bumping into each other at Cobwebs. The author succeeds in showing how the relationship has progressed from Mar being surprised by Eric's face to Mar relaxing so much so that their footsteps are in sync. While Eric notices this, Mar does not, showing that while she is starting to relax and letting Eric in, she is not yet aware that they are in tune with each other and that their friendship has the potential to become something more.
Questions
1. What is the problem with the first draft of this paragraph?
2. What does the student do to revise the paragraph?
3. Why are these changes important?
